Why Can’t You Just Butch Up? Gay Men, Effeminacy, and Our War with Ourselves

by Brent Hartinger
June 11, 2009

Photo credit: Dp Clark/Getty Images

“I call it the pink elephant in the room,” says Tim Bergling, author of the book Sissyphobia. “Why do some gay men behave effeminately and some do not?”

“No one really knows,” says Robert-Jay Green, PhD, Executive Director of the Rockway Institute, an LGBT psychology research center. But, he says, there’s some research to suggest that effeminacy in men may result when a fetus is somehow exposed to fewer androgen hormones – testosterone is one androgen – in the third trimester of pregnancy. Since the compound is responsible for “male” characteristics, this might cause some sort of “feminization” of the child, affecting the way he thinks and acts.

Which isn’t to say effeminacy is some sort of deficiency or flaw. It’s merely part of the natural variation of human males, like eye color, or the way some people like vanilla ice cream and some people prefer chocolate.

But it’s also not an affectation, and it’s definitely not a “choice.” Just as it’s offensive to suggest that people are gay in order to rebel or shock other people, it’s offensive to suggest that most effeminate men are that way for any reason other than that’s genuinely how they feel most comfortable presenting themselves.

Are all effeminate men gay or bisexual? Green refers to a 1986 study of one group of “extremely effeminate” young boys – basically, guys who put the “fab” in fabulous – and how, by adulthood, 75% of them identified as gay or bisexual.

“I’m sure there are thousands, if not millions of effeminate straight guys,” Bergling says. “But I couldn’t find any. When I talked to some, it quickly became clear they were gay, but in denial.”

Sissyphobia author Tim Bergling


In other words, most effeminate guys really are gay – that lack of androgens in the third trimester may even be one of the ways that guys end up gay, Green says.

But how many gay guys are effeminate? Well, here’s where it gets a little complicated.

Obviously, plenty of gay and bisexual men are as “manly” as the day is long. But one 1982 study found that 42 percent of a sample of gay men were considered “sissies” as children, compared to only 11 percent of heterosexual men. A different 1981 study found that half of gay men displayed some “gender atypical” behavior as children, but only a quarter of straight men did.

That doesn’t mean this many gay men are outwardly effeminate – they’re not – but it does mean that there’s some truth to the stereotype that gay men are more likely than straight men to be, um, “artistic,” or at least androgynous. Let’s admit it: isn’t that part of what “gaydar” is all about?

“Some days I walk around, and I’m just a normal dude,” says Ed Kennedy, a 37-year-old gay man living in West Virginia. “And some days I have more of a swish in my step.”

In short, most gay men aren’t “like women.” But we really do tend to be a little different from the “typical” straight guy.

Still, these are all just tendencies. Plenty of gay and bisexual men don’t ever swish, nor do they want to.

An online poster in a U.K. student forum put it like this: “There are two gay genes: one makes a person gay, and another makes them camp. If they have got both, then they are gay and camp. If they just have the gay gene, then they won't be as easy to spot. If they just have the camp gene then they will be normal, as the camp gene needs the gay gene to activate it.”

“I just made most of that up,” the poster added, “but it could be true.”